I met my husband on May 31, 2013. Our first date was June 1, 2013 at Hickory Notch Restaurant in Goochland, VA. On June 20, 2013, he proposed to me in a text message while I was in PA visiting my family. He moved in July 1, and our journey as a couple began. I knew as soon as I met him that he was my soul mate. He made me laugh, he made me feel safe, he was truly Mr. Right.
As we got to know each other, he told me about his struggle with depression. He called it the “family curse” because his mother suffered with it most of his life. He worried that his daughter would be affected with it as she grew up. He shared that he had admitted himself to a mental treatment program two years previously when his father died unexpectedly and he considered suicide. In November 2013, he was laid off from his job as a 511 dispatcher when the company changed hands. While he spent a lot of time being down, he kept surviving and never gave up hope. On February 15, 2014, we were married. A week later he went to the doctor since I could finally add him to my health insurance. The doctor prescribed Celexa and Trazadone, and within weeks he was improving. He started a new job at the beginning of March. He hated it but he endured because it was a job.
Halfway through May, his depression really took a bad turn. Even though I asked him every day if he was okay, he never told me what was bothering him. He started hitting the snooze in the morning, rarely shaved, had lost about 20 pounds and stopped doing anything around the house. All of this was not him at all. On May 24, we attended his daughter’s high school graduation. As we left, he said, “It is times like this I wish I was there for her more.” My reply was, “Even if you didn’t spend a lot of time with her, you are still her father and she loves you.” He said, “Thank you.”
Four days later, as I left for work, we kissed and said goodbye for the day. I had forgotten my cigarettes, so he threw me a pack and then did his backward wave and smiled as I backed out of the garage. Some time between 245 and 345 PM when I returned from work, the demons took over and he shot himself in the throat with his shotgun, sitting in the garage. I never saw it coming.
This blog will be where I relate how I am surviving this loss. The good days, the crappy days, the ups and downs, the stupid things that make me cry, the things that get me through the day, stories about him that make me laugh, the things he gave me in our brief time together, inspirational quotes and ideas, links to other blogs and websites that help me endure.